


Oobleck Cum Theories

by Anonymous



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom
Genre: Body Worship, Scientific Research, Scientific Theories, asphoratics, cum potion, help we dont know whats going on, improper use of the mla format, it's not safe dont do it, one theory mentions mucus so beware, oobleck cum, please i hope im not spelling anyting wrong i don't rmemeber my grammerly account, shitpost, silly straw sounding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:14:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28493691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “they need a lotta force to put out the ooblex cum?”“please stop implying oobleck cum real”
Relationships: Darnold/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9
Collections: Anonymous





	Oobleck Cum Theories

**Author's Note:**

> I CANT BELIEVE I SPOKE ONCE AND THIS HAPPEND SHGHDSG AGENT OF CHAOS
> 
> it WILL be real (in theory)

**“Oobleck Cum Theories**

_ “they need a lotta force to put out the ooblex cum?” _

_ “please stop implying ooblex cum real” _

**Background**

Non-newtonian fluids are fluids with a changing viscosity due to pressure and stress applied to it. (MIT +K12). Oobleck is created using cornstarch and water. The reason this becomes a non-newtonian fluid is because the cornstarch molecules are longer and larger than the water molecules. This causes the oobleck to become hard when high pressure is applied to it since the long, hard corn starch molecules clash up against each other creating a hard surface. However, when moving slowly, the water molecules are no longer squeezed out from in between the cornstarch molecules allowing the cornstarch molecules to roll around freely and thus decreasing the viscosity. 

A fellow researcher on the nsfw science research team states that whale cum was a non-newtonian fluid. Apparently, it is “very viscous and thick”(Researcher #4, 2020). However, I am a coward and I did not look up whale semen on my home wifi. Though, the application of whale semen to human semen is unknown so the research may be unknown. The said researcher stated that they may be “conflating whale semen and whale milk”(Researcher #4, 2020). Though, if the non-newtonian fluid properties and causes of whale milk are determined, it can possibly be applied to semen. However, researchers in the scientific community couldn’t get enough information on whale cum and dick in general so our research on the non-newtonian fluid properties of whale semen came to a halt. We did, however, learn that whales aren’t exhibitionists. We also learned how whales have sex and that “As with other whales, it's probably a very brief encounter, with the male inserting his penis into the female's vagina for less than a minute.”(The 7 Weirdest Animal Penises).

We also learned that the force required to ejaculate is. According to Researcher #4, “During the series of contractions that accompany ejaculation, semen is propelled from the urethra at 500 cm/s (200 in/s), close to 18 kilometers per hour (11 mph).”

  


_ Fig. 1 The general trajectory of the conversation _

**Thesis**

This research article aims to provide several possible real theoretical theories in which a human would be able to produce non-newtonian semen by consuming some soda with added secrets :)

**Theories**

In order to come up with the best possible results, we have considered multiple theories ranging from pure absurdity to actual biological knowledge. 

_ Researcher #1 _

A possible scientific way in order to make humans produce non-newtonian semen is through introducing another molecule. Non-newtonian liquids are liquids which have a viscosity which changes based on stress applied. So, how Ooblex is made is that there's a long molecule and a small molecule (MIT +K12) therefore, looking at the cum molecule, we need to have the balls produce a smaller molecule. Perhaps, the balls can produce starch. 

  
  
_ Fig. 2 The cum molecule _

_ Researcher #2 _

Mucus makes things slick. When ejacuation occurs, pressure is increased. Therefore, if the soda changes the chemical compounds of the urethra and the urethra begins producing mucus, it makes it lube, therefore, making the semen act like a non-newtonian fluid. Alternatively, the soda can change the chemical compounds of the semen causing, instead of dehydration, a production of mucus in the urethra penis lining. This would turn the semen into something similar to a spaghetti noodle and therefore cause mucus to be naturally produced to protect the urethra tube. This ability can be illustrated through the comparison of going down a dry slide vs a wet slide. It doesn’t even have to be mucus exactly. It can also be mucin, the chemical that makes mucus slimy and slick. So, if the semen is surrounded by mucus or mucin, it will cause it to become a non-newtonian fluid because then semen can also fall out through the tube like a slip n slide.

_ Researcher #3* _

We can possibly stick our hand into a dick in order to make the wet dick slide. If we cover our hands in lube and cum, the pressure will be decreased to the point we can cum at the length of a football field and get a home-nut. 

_ *Researcher #3 states that they “don’t know shit about cum dick ass shot” and “just came on to see if were were actually killing [Researcher #2] but now I have learned the forbidden knowledge” so we can safely disregard their theory.  _

_ Miscellaneous Thoughts _

Technically, the Oobleck cum can swell up into a knot, similar to other mammals. Therefore, the knot pouch would slowly trickle out of the dick like slow moving lava while the walls relaxed causing a “not explosion” which allows the non-newtonian fluid to exit the penis. 

**Limitations**

Since non-newtonian fluids like Oobleck become solid when pressure is applied, there is a very real possibility that you may sound yourself when the semen leaves the body. In addition to that, if the viscosity of the non-newtonian fluid thickens, the fluid may not be able to escape and since the speed of ejaculation is 11 miles per hour, it is very possible that the balls may explode. However, that is not always a possibility because although the majority of the theories are based on Oobleck, there are other non-newtonian fluids in which the viscosity decreases with increased stress such as tomato sauce(Non-Newtonian fluids). 

Though the theory done by Researcher #2 is very probable, the production of mucin will most likely be very uncomfortable as it will be like your urethra is acting similar to a vagina and producing lubrication. You may also have to be very sick for an adequate amount of mucin to fully coat the semen. In addition to that, “Overexpression of the mucin proteins, especially MUC1, is associated with many types of cancer”(Wikipedia).

Lastly, someone wrote something about Oobleck cum entering someone and how that the pressure to push it out would keep the semen solid and inside which would internally fuck over and over like some “very specialized ovi”. This may have an evolutionary advantage to it seeing that the semen would remain inside thus allowing a higher probability of producing a pregnancy. Also, someone said this was sorta like “mating plugs” whatever that means. I am too afraid to look it up. 

**Conclusion**

Hopefully, with future deliberation and consideration, soda that introduces and changes the chemistry of the body will be able to make human semen a non-newtonian fluid,” Darnold said.  


After Darnold finished deliberating his whole research article about the possibility that Oobleck cum could be possible, Gordon shuffled a bit, nervous and regretting his decision to volunteer as a test subject. He glanced at the signed permission forms on Darnold’s desk with a wishful look before turning towards Darnold.

“It- it causes cancer?” Gordon asked, his throat dry. 

“It  _ could _ cause cancer if this soda decides to choose the mucin producing theory.” Darnold said, matter of factually. Gordon tensed up nervously. He just wanted to get fucked that was all. Darnold noticed Gordon’s uncomfort. “But then again, we’re characters from a gmod parody roleplay youtube series in a nsfw shitpost story. I doubt that you would get cancer.”

“So, it’s still a possibility of cancer?”

“No, of course not, it’s magic soda.” Darnold said. “Also, you can opt out anytime.” 

“Well, if it’s a magic soda not considering any of what you said before, game on!” Gordon said, a small grin on his face.

“Great! Take this,” Darnold said, passing Gordon the soda. “It’s a mixture of aphoristic and the oobleck cum potion!”

“It tastes exactly like honey.”

“That’s because honey is an aphoristic, Dr. Freeman!” Darnold said, moving to pull Gordon into a hug. Gordon leaned forwards and kissed Darnold deeply. The two grinded against each other in the chair before Darnold slid down to his knees and gently kneaded Gordon’s bulge through his pants before sliding down his pants. He looked up to Gordon and Gordon nodded, looking away half in embarrassment. 

“Are you alright, Dr. Freeman? I don’t want to fuck you unless you’re totally into it,” Darnold asked.

“Yeah, I just-” Gordon started, his face heating up. “I don’t like looking at myself too much.”

“Oh that’s a shame,” Darnold said, gently running his hands along the softness on Gordon’s stomach in appreciation. “You are such a lovely assistant, after all.”

Gordon blushed as the comment went straight to his heart AND his dick. He felt himself twitched in Darnold’s hand and Darnold let out a small chuckle. He gave Gordon in more compliments as he moved his hand back and forth. 

“Darnold- I’m-” Gordon started. Darnold stopped immediately and praised Gordon for being such a good assistant as he grabbed some more supplies.

“Is that a...silly straw?” Gordon asked, pointing to the orange, frog-shaped silly straw in Darnold’s hand.

“Yes! This goes into your urethra.”

“...Why?”

“It’s a fun ride for the cum :)”

“Okay,” Gordon said, shrugging. Darnold kissed the tip of Gordon’s dick and looked back up to him. Needless to say, silly straw sounding. The stretch was nice?? Darnold sucked on the other end of the silly straw to extract a sample of cum. After the sample was safely tucked away for further analysis, Darnold removed the silly straw and sucked on Gordon’s dick until he CAME. 

“It appears your cum is a non-Newtonian liquid now! Congratulations!” Darnold said, patting Gordon’s thigh.

“Wh- what the fuck does that mean?” Gordon said, slightly mumbling the words due to his post-nut haze.

“You're a fucking physicist, Gordon! Musta fucked you pretty hard for you to forget that one hmm?" Darnold said, smiling. “Though, I don’t blame you, non-newtonian cum is relatively hard to extract. 

“You did really well, Gordon,” Darnold said, kissing him on the cheek. Gordon blushed again at the compliment.

Darnold then went to prove the possibility of oobleck cum.

  
  


**Works Cited**

MIT +K12. Non-Newtonian Fluids. Youtube.  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQoelYi6qfw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQoelYi6qfw)

Non-Newtonian fluids. (n.d.). Retrieved October 01, 2020, from  [ https://www.sciencelearn.org.nz/resources/1502-non-newtonian-fluids ](https://www.sciencelearn.org.nz/resources/1502-non-newtonian-fluids)

[ http://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/2006-12/1164999854.Bc.1.gif ](http://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/2006-12/1164999854.Bc.1.gif)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whale#Reproduction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSbW4ZCUYzg

https://sciencing.com/whales-mate-4568763.html#:~:text=The%20male%20ejaculates%20sperm%20from,to%20develop%20in%20the%20womb.  


[ https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/84116393.pdf ](https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/84116393.pdf)

[ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mucin ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mucin)

**Author's Note:**

> us explaining how cum and mucus have to do something with soda Darnold made: :softtowel:
> 
> (The council of sex has sentenced us to death)


End file.
